I’ve been in the lesbian game for a very long time and I’ve earned the right to wear a fedora. That’s one of the secret unlock-able accessories after practical hiking boots when you’re not on a trail but before softball or soccer socks at the bar when you’re not coming from a game

I decided I liked when girls drink whiskey the first time I saw one drain a pint of Rich & Rare (ironic bc it’s cheap and filthy) and she always ordered whiskey and Peach Schnapps at the bar which sounds grosser than it is but I still wouldn’t ever have it of my own accord

A sincere rhetorical question I have is what makes certain jerk-ass douchebag terrible people so attractive but OTHER jerk-ass douchebag terrible people so unattractive. Bc it doesn’t have to do with physical appearance, intelligence, or a sense of humor. I think the key ingredient is flakiness. And I mean this in a tongue-in-cheek way when I say my biggest personal weakness is that I’m a jerk-ass douchebag terrible person who isn’t flakey (I disappear sometimes but that’s different from flakiness—a flakey person disappears and reappears forever until you amputate them)

I grabbed my phone to look for porn and when I clicked on the internet it opened to my last Google image search which was ironically for engagement rings (I have no prospects, I’m just frequently browsing) and I feel like I want a black diamond bc it’s a little traditional and a little sinister. Like if there was a very elegant way to suggest the image of a skull and crossbones, I would be into that.

Sept 2012 

I’ve never been in an orgy, but one time I was in a dark room with two other girls and one boy (they were all drunk but I hadn’t had anything) and I remember having the very peculiar realization at one point that I didn’t know who was inside of me (I was 19-years-old, if that makes a difference),

But one of the girls left pretty quickly to go to bed, and it was just me and the other girl and the boy, and she all of a sudden gets very serious and whisper-y in my ear like “Baby do you want some dick?” and at first I wanted to laugh because it almost felt like being at the dinner table and she was asking if I wanted some yams or something

But I decided to play along and I replied along the lines of “Only if I can eat your pussy” so there I am with her straddling my face and he’s between my legs and it was a whole lot going on at once, it wasn’t boring. He went back and forth between fucking both of us and I was thinking to myself like “Is that safe??? Am I being smart and making good decisions???”

But at no point did I ever think about not doing it and after he came he went to bed but she and I kept going for a few more hours and I was concerned about the fact that I only had the pair of contact lenses that I was wearing so I’d have to sleep in them and my dumb ass forgot to bring lens drops or anything so I just hoped to God that she had a roommate who wore contacts so I could at least flood my eyes with lens solution the next morning and she did so I did.

I would say that I’m drunk-Googling “lesbian fashion” but my buzz wore off an hour ago and this is an earnest endeavor

Oct 2011

When I was 19, I went trick-or-treating with the girl I was seeing, her kid, and her baby-daddy (who was also her husband) (bc I was mainly seeing her but I ended up seeing him too) (they both referred to me as their “girlfriend” and I remember thinking “what the hell is going on” the first time he kissed her and then me and said “I love you” separately to us both before he left for work in the morning after the three of us had slept in bed together) the kid was too young to know how unusual of a situation it was

I need a girl who looks like June Carter Cash who will dress up with me as Johnny Cash. I don’t mean for Halloween, just like in general

One of my professors was wearing gay pride jewelry today (it was low-profile but I know what that stuff looks like), I hope she thinks I’m cute

Social trends often go in terms of whatever is the polar opposite of the last social trend, like how the anti-materialism of hippie culture turned into the excess of glam rock and the big hair of the 80s which gave way to the anti-material grunge movement of the 90s with its loose-fitting clothing which turned into the tight, low-rise jeans of the early 00s which went from bootcut and flare to the skinny jeans of the mid-late 00s and early 10s and it’s been a chaotic clusterfuck of harem pants and jeggings and jogging pants and cropped/cuffed pants and

The world has been stuck on the “millennial hipster” since goddamn 2008 or 2010 but in 2006 it was called “boho” and it’s getting harder to predict the next social trend because this current one is so full of contradictions and polar opposites within itself that the attempt at “normcore” is really just a new subgroup of the old subculture

But to truly achieve a new polar opposite, one in which we stop analyzing ourselves, everybody would have to get a lobotomy. And then wearing a bandaid on your forehead would be a fashion statement (like Nelly in the Hot In Herre video?)